Headlines not funny enough

11th August 2010

“Headlines not funny enough”, says Breen, as he threatens to close newspaper, we say “Yes, you are right, sorry, we’ll try harder next time”, he says “Good luck with that and by the way, why are there no funnies in the newspaper, I like to read them when I’m taking a dump”. In a shock development, City 17 Times recieved word from Dr. Breen’s office, via a weekly audio broadcast, that the quality of the headlines of this newspaper weren’t funny enough. As the wave of depression swept through both rooms of our extensive offices, reporters could be seen jumping from the windows in a futile attempt to rid themselves of the shame.

We say futile because we are only on the first floor and most only broke their ankles, although one lucky guy just stubbed his toe.

As the depression passed, enlightenment burst in and we realized he might be right. So we decided to fight back in the only way we know how – by taking things to the extreme.

Here is our pledge to our handful of dedicated skimmers:
From now on there will be no text in the newspaper, only funny and clever headlines.

Here is a selection of news from this week.

The price of razor train tickets to Nova Prospekt, that lovely seaside resort, has dropped again in an effort to encourage visitors. This paper suggests that within a few months it will be free and we even predict there will be forced relocation to ensure that the population stays balanced. We can’t wait and hope we choose or are chosen to relocate.

Mrs Agatha Mildew-Smythinton writes to tell us she has lost her cat. Normally, letters like this get “filed” quickly and efficiently but this time we became curious. In fact, we sent a crack team of investigative reporters to the scene and they report that no Chinese restaurants are nearby. They also said that no pet or small animal, beside birds can be found ANYWHERE in City 17. Why have we never noticed this before?

And finally this week, we have received word of the new food parcels mentioned a few weeks ago. They are apparently very spicy, with a strangely familiar taste, quite like chicken.

Jamie Olivier was strangely reticent, saying only “I did what any good chef would do – use local and fresh products”. Well, we for one thank him, because the new recipe makes a nice change!

In the past all food parcels came designated with just numbers, but in an effort to promote the new recipe, it has been decided to name them as well.

From now on they will be called: Soylent Felinae

Learn more about the City 17 Times news posts.


  1. Hec

    jej, I don’t think the combine would accept press liberty beyond their hands…

  2. good stuff, keep it coming please.
    you may remember in half life 2 when you went up a drain pipe, a easter egg was a voldergaunt with a head crab on a BBQ spit. offered the free man a piece. dining out half life style. oh how so yummy.

  3. foxholeboy

    I know this is in response to me you bastard

    1. We, here at the City 17 Times, have no idea what you are talking about, Sir.

  4. “Mrs Agatha Mildew-Smythinton writes to tell us she has lost her cat”.

    It’s not me!! I never get lost. Misplaced occasionally but never lost.

    1. Misplaced is another way of saying “lost temporarily”.

  5. “Soylent Felinae” !!!

    ! This means war !

    First up. I’ve told my colleagues to cease vermin extermination activities on the first floor only with immediate effect.
    It truly will be the rat infested dump it deserves to be.

    Second up. All citizens caught reading this rag will be spit roasted alive.

    If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to get mean 😀

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  • HEADER: <div class="fix"></div><div class="sbe3">TEXT HERE</div>
  • BOLD: <strong>TEXT HERE</strong>
  • ITALIC: <em>TEXT HERE</em>
  • SPOILER: <span class="spoiler">TEXT HERE</span>