A New Approach to Headcrabs?

25th July 2010

The City 17 Times has received reports that Dr. Kleiner and a small group of resistance commanders have left the city on what has been described by one Resistance member as “A bold move”.

Apparently Dr. Kleiner and his team have gone to meet Cesar Millan, a renowned Dog trainer. You may know him as the Dog Whisperer.

Reports suggest that stockpiles of ammunition are so low that “alternative” methods of dealing with the increasing headcrab infestation have to be explored.

The idea is to teach the commanders the right way to deal with headcrabs and with a little dog psychology a way can be found to control them. Techniques include nothing more than confident body language, alpha male behaviour and little kick ass “ttsscch” sounds.

Dr Kleiner believes that with his experience with his pet headcrab, Lamarr, he has an advantage over the commanders, who, for the most part have never seen a headcrab face to beak.

Our mole within the group has said that so far 6 commanders have been killed, with another 5 receiving serious head wounds. Research suggests that debeaking the headcrab has the same effect as neutering a dog, therefore the commanders must work with live and aggressive headcrabs.

It is rumoured that Cesar has almost complete control over the headcrabs but is unable to teach the commanders the same level of control.

There was a similar plan to try with antlions but apparently no volunteers were received.

On a related note, another “alternative method” project was cancelled last month when a spray form of Viagra was tested on headcrabs in the hope that they would attack each other. Unfortunately the human testers forgot to wear protective clothing and the results were the reverse. No headcrab survive an encounter with a human but once the suppression field is eventually lifted the testers won’t be able to father children.

Learn more about the City 17 Times news posts.


  1. john

    I am so glad the The City 17 Times is free and online. my local paper started to charge 10$ for worthless online content. I look forward to the next issue, I wonder if they have a coupon section, and comics. humm?

    1. I am so glad the The City 17 Times is free and online.

      The City 17 Times will always be free – long live the Resistance!

      I look forward to the next issue

      it comes out Wednesday 28th and then every Wednesday for a few weeks to gauge the response.

      i wonder if they have a coupon section, and comics.

      Unfortunately not. just simple investigative journalism!

  2. Dias

    And here I thought this was going to be an article on your ideas about making headcrabs more interesting to fight.

    1. Sorry to disappoint you. I hope you enjoyed the article anyway.

      1. Dias

        It was still enjoyable, you just through me off a bit.

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